A totally honest look at my grief

The hardest part of the grieving process is trying to explain why I feel what I feel.

As far as grieving the loss of my sister... I started mourning her loss long before she died. According to the odds, I shouldn't have more than a handful of memories of her. I'm incredibly grateful the odds were in my favor instead. I got to spend nearly 20 years with her.

However, I'm going to be brutally honest.

I grew up very active in the LDS faith. Ask anyone I grew up with I was the poster "Molly Mormon". I don't think I believed out of an honest conversion of heart and mind. I believed because I needed to believe a loving God had a reason for allowing my sister to go through the Hell she was put through living on this Earth.

I feel like I am going to be mad at God for a long, long time due to putting all of my family through all of that... Notice though, I didn't forsake belief. I know I put in enough work and faith, and I've experienced far too many personal experiences to share on my blog.

The current joke in my family is

Kimmie is going to make me trip over the girl I need to be with.

I smartly, chimed in and said it better be literal because she knows how clueless I am.

Honestly regarding the grief put on by the loss of Kim.

There is a whole list of positive and negative emotions associated with a loss like that.

One of the coolest experiences I had was actually at one of my lowest points. I sat at the grave marker in the cemetery. So the headstone wasn't even in... I sat there for longer than I care to remember. Just yelling at the ground and at the sky...

After I calmed down, I heard my sister say "Hey John, you took care of me all those years. It's my turn to repay the favor." I wish it could've been like the movies where I turned around, and she would be standing there. It wasn't... But hearing her telling me that was more than enough.

I love you Kim, I miss you everyday...