My PTSD

I touched on this topic a little bit in my mental health blog post. I had an experience tonight that triggered my PTSD, so I figured maybe if I wrote a post about it- I might handle it better... So here it goes.

My dad and my sister both have (/had) forms of epilepsy. So because of that, by the age of five, I had seen more seizures than most people see in their entire lives.

My dad's seizures were very different than my sister's. When my dad has a seizure, its usually early in the morning (think like 2-5 am). His seizures involve him walking around, violent body movements, and some mumbled speech. His seizures happen once or twice a year. His seizures scared a younger me because his seizures often end in paramedics being called due to the harm he caused himself. I mean he is 6'3, 280 lbs of fat and muscle.

My sister, on the other hand, was 5' nothing and weighed 90 lbs soaking wet. The only person she would hurt would be herself. Her seizures occurred every about two weeks. her seizures were more emotionally draining for me growing up. I didn't worry as much about safety... the thing that scared me about hers was the look on her face during... She always looked so scared.

I tell you that because my response to seizures is automatic. I immediately jump into action when I see anything resembling a seizure... Tonight was different.

Tonight, I was at my apartment's hot tub. There was a group of teenagers there. I could tell by what they were saying and how they were acting that they were definitely on some [special] substances.

I didn't care, people can do whatever they want. It's not my place to tell these people what they should or shouldn't be doing.

There was a guy there who was high like I said. I don't care. However, he was trying to get out of the hot tub. The sudden temperature change, mixed with a clearly substantial amount of this substance, had caused him to black out, and have "seizure-like" spasms.

This triggered my PTSD. Since my sister's passing, my automatic response has weakened. There was one major thought that came to my mind as I was seeing this. "Your family didn't have a choice... this kid did."

I've been zoning in and out since this event occurred. My thoughts are a jumbled mess of anger, sadness, grief, anxiety, and hurt.

"Why would someone willing put themselves through that..."